who can resist this?....Oceans Eleven Day in Stockholm last week....

In a stellar shining example of why Hollywood should not just export it's movies to "everybody"

 this is just all kinds of charming.......

Look what happened last Wednesday in Stockholm after Sven Svensson and Lars Larsson (Sven's  sidekick) studied Oceans Eleven really well.......

and Swedish Law Enforcement who really excels at setting up surprise roadside checks everywhere and administering alcohol level breath tests,seemingly finds situations more challenging than that to be ,well, just a bit beyond their capabilities......

Here's how it happened, according to a report in the tabloid daily Aftonbladet:

5.15am - A helicopter is witnessed above the roof of the G4S cash depot in Västberga in Stockholm by staff at the National Rail Administration (Banverket) offices directly opposite.

Lars Larsson and Sven Svensson go for it, after studying the film enough times....and stealing a helicopter ( that alone didn't alert anyone----- )It's the Oceans Eleven Show - and they're OFF!!!!!

5.19am - Police receive a call about the robbery. Witnesses watch as the stolen white Bell 206 Jet Ranger helicopter lets out three or four passengers on the roof. Explosions are heard as the robbers enter the building while the helicopter hovers above the building.

Several sacks of what is presumed to be money are then seen raised into the helicopter on a rope.

Bleary eyed Swedish residents train hastily grabbed binoculars onto the roof of the buidling trying desperately to spot George Clooney and Matt Damon. They're hoping for an autograph and a few pictures.

5.25am - The first police patrol arrives at the scene in Västberga but are ordered not to act as the robbers continue to load sacks of money into the helicopter. They have been ordered to await the arrival of the National Task Force.

The policemen that arrived on the scene were basically stopping by  to study the moves of the robbers hoping to become Big Movie Stars themselves one day. Meanwhile , the National Task Force had been "gently notified" via Facebook , a few text messages and  an e-mail or two.....They'll be there ,after they shower and have had breakfast.......

5.35am - With the police looking on the helicopter lifts off from the roof of the building and heads north. The robbers had lain caltrops on the road routes out away from the building in order to hinder the police.

but, as they continued to stand there watching with their jaws wide open, it's not like it really even occurred to them to even try to get in their cars to chase them anyway.....unneccessary cover-up on the Criminals' part,really....

5.35am - The National Task Force enters the building.

my guess is that  the NTF that arrived,were the "off-duty" bunch that were found still out at the bars from the night before.....

5.49am - The police helicopter station at Myttingen on Värmdö is notified but pilots can not lift off as a suspected bomb is found in front of the helicopter hanger.

Well that got at least a few people upset inciting this comment in the OpEd section of the Dagens Nyheter the next day:

Swedish police must "be able to use the equipment that has been acquired for large amounts," the Dagens Nyheter daily wrote in an opinion piece. "Helicopters, cars, boats and other equipment must be kept in a way so that criminals cannot sabotage them."

duh.......ya think!??!

7am - The police confirm that none of the 21 G4S staff were hurt in the attack.

after conducting a breathalyzer check of all the buildings staff, it was determined that none of them had been "driven to drink" over the whole situation.......and therefore no one was hurt..... no thanks to the Police now mind you....

7.37am - Explosives are found in the building and police extend the cordon around the depot. 

Oops! Now,this was a shocking turn of events indeed. The cordon selected was a bright Swedish Blue shade and was arranged so that it looked nice for the TV crews later that day.......

8.15am - The helicopter is found in woodland near Skavlöten in Arninge north of Stockholm.

Initially they weren't sure for a while whether it was a helicoptoer or just a large dead moose, but blood tests did reveal it to be ....indeed.........a HELICOPTER......

8.42am - The police escort the G4S staff out from the cash depot.

Now being as "explosives were reported to be found in the building" at kl.7:37....... it is logical that 1 hour and 5 minutes later they decide to THEN get the staff out of the building.....right?!

1pm - police dispose of the suspected bomb at the helicopter station on Värmdö with the help of a water cannon.

Like I've stated before in previous blogs. The swedes like things to be clean. Floors and all,especially bombs that could actually be  "dirtied up" by criminal evidence. Water cannons aid enormously in cleaning up suspected bombs of any DNA, or "filth" ( aka:EVIDENCE) that might have been accidentally left by the Perps.....let's hear it for CLEAN evidence.....

3pm - Police hold a press conference where they classify the crime as an "extraordinary event" and are thus able to call on the resources of police forces from across the country.

It was obvious that short of Princess Victoria's wedding next year, that this was as close as Stockholm was going to see of Hollywood and "Extraordinary Events" for quite some time. Only natural to want to call your buddies about it.....

By 6pm in the evening the police had arrested two men in connection with the robbery as they combed the Stockholm underworld for clues to what is described as a well-organised professional heist.

And it turns out that their names were as reported above: Lars Larsson and Sven Svensson......

Criminology professor Leif G W Persson said on Wednesday that the cash depot could have housed up to a billion kronor ($146 million) in cash.

Nothing like checking the Depot 's ACTUAL records ,huh? When in doubt, best to call up a college prof to make a decent guess to report in the papers right?

Media reports on Thursday indicate that a mafia boss from the Balkans could be the brains behind the robbery. 

You thought that Lars and Sven could have thought on this all on their own?! Come on!!!!!!! But to their credit, Lars and Sven had been the ones to actually send  the DVD of Oceans Eleven to the Dude in the Balkans......AHHH!!!!! -the advantages of GLOBALIZATION!

It is also reported that Stockholm police had previously received information that a helicopter heist was being planned in the area but that the National Task Force had been conducting surveillance at the wrong depot, in Bromma in the north-west of the city.

Well,now you see, this is just the saddest bit of information of all. Now see if the Perps had ONLY tried to rob the Cash Depot that they were SUPPOSED to rob-this might have actually turned out differently.....

LESSON FOR THE SOUL: I have to say, it's a nice thing to live in a country where this kind of stuff happens so seldom, that policemen are at a loss as to how to deal with it. I can see it happening also quite easily in the UK, where the Cops would be busy waving their billy clubs in the air at the helicopter......

and at least it gives me a jolly good laugh for the day......

Swedish word for the day: överraskning- (Roy thought this one up for me)- that's: SURPRISE!!!!!!!

Time to quit trying to monitor the society by roadside checkpoints, sometimes it could all be flying right over your head!......

All I have to say- I find myself actually rooting for the robbers on this one! They deserve to keep their heist,I'm sorry!

TV for the Nordic( Armchair ) FIsherman

now mind you , I don't watch tv very often.
at all. 

especially here.

-there are a multitude of problems connected with me and the TV.

and, no, it's not because most of it is in Swedish, because it isn't even. There's a lot of it in english with swedish sub-titles

i know, i know, which would be good for me to watch. if i cared to. 

i don't.

see- first problem is-  I can't turn it on. 

that's real simple. 

I could barely turn on a TV in the US and now that all I get out is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo swedish menu pages everytime I punch a button - that also says something I can't read....

all to watch what- a show in swedish or a horribel American import?( one of SIxten's favourite shows: Jerry Springer.....uhhh.I'll skip that,thanks.....)
So ,you see, I find it very easy to justify the fact that I think excessive TV watching is meant for people that can't figure out what to do meaningful with their lives -("real meaning" like I have indeed, such as these here endless hours on FaceBook and blogging!)

Finally, I firmly believe that TV is not worth much of a crap beyond re-runs of Seinfeld or Sex and the City- ( despite the fact that  I have been told there are things that came AFTER those series ended .....)

Not to say that the men in this house never watch it. becuase they do, while both vehemnetly denying that they watch "alot of it"- ( i know my hubbie is downstairs at this moment watching America's Got Talent- a show this American wouldn't be caught dead watching) but he'd deny it, I'm sure....

However, it is  when total and utter silence descends on the TV ranks( dudes) in this house -

you can bet that winner of all shows - 

"Deadliest Catch" is on.

......and like the Two Great Nordic (Armchair) Fisherman that they are, Hubbie and Sixten are glued to the set with every single crab cage that is pulled out of the icy Alaskan depths, as if they're out there themselves.

 
If you've missed this stellar example of reality series TV( legitimazed somewhat only by the fact that the "educational" Discovery Channel puts it on)- it is a show that week in, week out -

 is exactly the same as.....

 the week before that...

and the week to come after....

...there are a bunch of king crab macho dude fishermen that head out onto the rough seas( for the proper effect -they ONLY go out when the seas are ReAlly RoUgH-) of the Alaskan archipaelago and haul in Alaskan King Crab to sell to hungry gourmands all over.

It's COLD as HELL. 

It's ICY WET EVERYWHERE.

and that is .....apprently both appealing and fun.....

the fishermen and thier grizzled half crazed captain are all men that look like they'd eat the arm off of a ( live)Grizzly Bear for a snack. 

this is TESTOSTERONE ON CRACK.

And my "TOUGH GUYS " here are 1,000% mesmerized by this.

They hang on the word of every captain....... they listen excitedly to the yells and cursing from the guys on the wind-swept deck of the boat- as they pull up yet another huge crab cage. Seriously, I've tried to sit down and watch what this is that keeps them so raptly excited every single time it is on- 

and I truly just don't get it. 

I swear everytime one of these cages is pulled up, it's just replaying the exact same haul that they played 5 minutes earlier. Yet, these guys remain hooked, as if there are IV tubes shooting Magical Armchair Testosterone to them straight from the TV set. They are in a NORDIC SEA DUDE TRANCE. 

Now you can ask them both, isn't this just what happened last week- didn't they go out into the eye of a storm nearly,wasn't the Boat's Captain yelling "take Cover! Big Wave a-comin'!!! ," 

...a-swearing to the cameraman that  he really didn't think any of them would survive it- THIS TIME,really........ 

Wasn't the head Deck Captain sayin',' hell yeah, we got it tough this haul!! 

We haven't found the crabs, 

we gotta find the crabs!! 

and if we don't, man, there's gonna be hell to pay! 

Some of these guys just won't have jobs anymore." 

 Then there's always Rookie Guy ( aka- the pathetic comic relief sucker) , that goes out and makes some major screw -ups and nearly costs the whole damn haul for everyone-

he's usually seen out on deck all by himself, with a wave crashing over his head as he holds on for dear life to some pole, trying to figure out that everyone else went under for cover).

Now both my guys agree- yeah,yeah,....the story is the same every week. 

Right. No, nothing ever really happens.....

but.....

and they trail off.... not able to spit out any further comments than this....

 while the same cage I swear is pulled out of the icy depths AH-Gain and AH-GAIn and AH GAIN.....

THIS time - THIS CATCH- WOAH!- is SOOOO exciting -how could they possibly miss it?!

after it's over life returns to normal-right, until it's time for a Sports Event( track and field seems to suffice for rapt attention that department here.shot putt anyone? WOAH!)

Lesson for the Soul for the day- Thank God for the invention of INANE television and the MEN that can fall comatose in front of it. It's  perfect combination- and frees me up to do all sorts of things.Women who had to keep their men amused before the advent of TV, must have had it really tough indeed.

swedish word for the day: this is how they teach it to you at school- and just because I think it's funny.....

let's just play with the word for "TV" in swedish -

this gets funny I promise you..... 

here ya go: 

en teve- that is "a tv." ....pronounced pretty much the same but more EH to it.... like EN TEH-VEH  ( still I can work with it....)

now this is the funnier part:

teven is THE TV,- huh??

tever- is TV's- .....plural, yep....... as when your go to Circuit City and ask "Where are the TEVER?"

teverna -( not to be confused with a TAVERNA- but damn close,no ,no) that's THOSE TV's"-    

as in: 

"Well, ma' am, yes TEVERNA HAR are really nice, but, unfortunately ma'am, it's TEVERNA DAR that are the ones that you saw the special ad on in the paper." 

"gee, thanks,Mister,I think I'll pass....."

winterizing.... preparing for darkness and my Mr. Fix It hero!!!

i cannot even begin to tell you how utterly delighted, thrilled and ecstatic I am that I have a fully functional husband- and by that -you can cut off the free shots at that right now- (you people who never get your minds out of the gutter....)

but my Darling Swede is fully functional, in the fact that he can actually DO HOUSE THINGS! From my past marriage to a way-too-affected City Guy( which begs to be asked why...) who's idea of home repair was to call the super, to this.

Now all of a sudden, it's:

"gee ,honey, I think I'd like this chandelier here, that one there...... well,no , maybe this one here and that one there......could we try that again?....."- all delivered with all that Swedish patience and tolerance that I got when I met the dude at the bar in India. Now I gotta tell ya this is a source of delight for me ,the depths of which I cannot even describe! 

ah,at last!!!! I found it!

-a fully functional HUSBAND!

for a girl like me , there is NO end to the delights of having a husband like that. I mean , i might modestly boast, that back home in New York City, NONE of us had one, though many of us wanted one, and NOW! yaha! I HAVE one!.....

The very first weekend of my "new life" here on the Polar Ice Cap, we had gone off to get the Darling Husband's Mothers' apartment ready for sale in LISLIK. I watched in utter amazement and delight when I discovered that my fiance knew how to wall-paper and called home to brag to all my City friends- who i think were likewise as shocked and amazed as I was. I had myself a totally functional hubbie!

(as an aside, I will say that the rest of the family seemed to know how to wallpaper , to different degrees,too. And apparently most everyone in Sweden is abundantly aware of wallpapering,etc- that most antiquated of wall preparations in the US....)This is because in Sweden, the perception is is that wall-papering is actually easier than painting and thus a close inspection of most any wall here- one will note that they're all wall-papered even if it is with just "texture wallpaper"- that which like other things makes me slightly nuts , but I digress. This is a "non-bitch' post today, at least....

So today -as one must on this part of the world, prepare for the long hard DARK winter that we know is to come,( even though the gorgeous sun outside today, seemed to attempt to deny this inevitability) we decided it was electricity day in the home. As the sun is now setting around 8 or a bit after in the evening,we know those days of infinite darkness are not too far off at all...

We needed LJUS!

There's a lot of LAMPOR around this place I detest ( typical rental place stuff) and I brought a lot of lampor over here from the States just in case.

So-up went the big old Third Reich chandelier that had been sitting on the floor in the living room for HALF a YEAR now,actually cajoling us into the false belief that  we had just "moved in". Never you mind that it had American wiring in it and it never will be functional ( hurray! je deteste over head lighting!) Sixten looked on in horror- he seems to have no problems with over head lighting at all- nor does the hubbie-but I chalk it up to a non-observant-guy thang. ( i'll show 'em! ^_-!) .

 

Up went the adorable library lamps from IKEA purchased back in April. And down went all these ultra-nasty cheapie-creepie hyra lägenhet lighting fixtures that had been making me crazy for months! I have a whole bag of crappy lighting to stick back up someday when we move out.

Up went the adorable white modern overhead light rescued from dear friend recently departed back to the States.....it looks perfect where I put it- correction: where Mr. Fix It put it.

All because my perfectly pleasant Mr. Fix-It man patiently removed and replaced and removed and replaced lighting fixtures all over the house- much to my great delight and satisfaction! THE THRILL of it all!!!

I could watch with rapt attention for hours on end as he uses all kinds of knives and screwdrivers and ladders to achieve better lighting fixtures for our home! 

What a guy! What a talent! What thrills!

Lesson for the SOUL today; I know it existed within the realm of possibiility that I could have found an American Fix-It guy-there are plenty of shows that testify to that on TV-but- , I sure do put it happily in the "Sweden plus" column that my adorable Swedish guy can do this! Be thankful for what wonderful "gifts' you give ,even if you do have to go to the Polar Ice Cap to find them!

two swedish words for the day:

VARDE LJUS! that is " Let there be light!" 

(-or none in the case of nasty over-head lighting at least.) I like how that sounds in Swedish at least-)

VARDE LJUS! ( oh, those of you that have had no swedish at all- have no idea that LJUS - is pronounced YOOUS! - as in "You's guys!" - that favourite Jersey phrase....but  a bit gentler....at least.....)

okay- and how CUTE is this!-

your Swedish Mr. Fix-It Man is known as a "ALLT-I-ALLO MAN!" - kinda means an all-in-everything kinda guy..I think that is WAY cute...sounds a bit "gay" as in you can see a Monty Python kinda Allt-i-Allo man tripping gaily up your front steps.... but,still, way cute.....

And as I sit cozily under (my thrillingly non-functional) third reich chandelier, I am busily trying to concott the next ask for my perfectly wonderful ALLT-I-ALLO MAN.

hey, there, Mr. ALLT-I-ALLOOOOOOO, I NEEEEEEED YOOOOOUUUU!!

at long last, WHY I think Joe Cocker is really a SWEDE

and this is finally( a day late and a lot of laborious reading about me, sweden and shoes)- 

I'm finally ready to convice you as to WHY I believe that Joe Cocker is .....

really.....

a swede......

cue:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tunvwCvu2NY

( cut and paste,if you have to, but go to You Tube and 

hit it!!!!!

NOW!...)

OKAY!?!?

here we go!!!!!

Baby, take off your coat...(real slow)

Baby, take off your shoes...here, I'll take your shoes.....

(now,it's obvious to me that good Swede that Joe is , is that he WANTS the SHOES

off first, but it just doesn't work lyrically in the song.....)

Go on over there and turn on the light...no, all the lights

Now come back here and stand on this chair...thats right

Raise your arms up in to the air...shake em

You give me a reason to live

You give me a reason to live

You give me a reason to live 

( now, in this fine scadinavian party ,till example....the hostess gift just happened to be apparently a can of whipped cream.....how polite and handy, indeed!....

and if you believe everything else about Swedes and their reputation for wild crazy abandoned sex lives full of fun,insanity and frivolity,

well, you are SOOOO right.....

 Joe has gone and gotten your coat off and your shoes off,

to have some fun,becuase really now he's getting to what every Swede really wants anyway when he asks you to leave your coat at the door:

and we CUE:

the REMAINDER of the TUNE)

hit it!!!!!

Baby, take off your dress
Yes, 

yes, 

    yes......

You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on

You give me a reason to live
You give me a reason to live
You give me a reason to live!!!!!

and with THAT-

I rest my case!

JOE COCKER IS A SWEDE!

(.......btw, the too-cute and fun photos of this adorable scandinavian darling that proves thus beyond the shadow of a doubt that Joe sang that song because he really is a Swede comes from an just-as-adorable little blog I found on the internet at spongeshoe.blogspot.com in a section called: Scrape.Feel.Dig.Believe.ask.

you can find such witicisms as this on her blog:

....(it's just) so much better to post sexy pictures of my sexy hello kitty socks...

and

No more trips to Burger King, no more hanging around at Oslo S to get some free wireless internet and make new friends with the homeless... no more sneaking into toilets at McDonalds... Good bye all of that, hello freedom!

She's a doll and she proves my case! god Bless You sexy little scandinavian chick- 

(i think she's norwegian, but that's as close as I could get,ok?)

now for my job:

Lesson for the "SOLE": 

this has been a week of exploration into why I have such issues with the Swedes that have issues about shoes- which is basically the whole lot of 'em-

and I can't say that I've accomplished much for my "sole" this week-but that at least I feel I have a better understanding of why I still have issues, and why - so far- I still want to wear shoes in my own home- at least-and I'll go THIS far is all-  I will at least try harder to remmber to take my shoes off in other peoples' homes!

-okay!?

swedish words for the day:

lets' do some apparel items-okay?

en kappa, ett par skor, en klänning, och ... en hatt .....

that's a coat,a pair of shoes, a dress, and ...a hat.....

in that order.....

it's been a fun week.....

it's always good to examine ones'.....

SOLE!......

on Shoes, Fear and the Very Bad Man

let's get to the crux of the matter. 

i think i know,why, perhaps it is that i have  issues about.....

shoes and ......

swedes.

and it may really have to do with the story of the Very Bad Man-with braces on his teeth......

you see, a mere half a year ago-we were -evicted-in the dead of winter-here in Sweden-over -shoes-( and a few other things).

It began ,when Darling Hubbie and I moved to Goteborg only in December to begin or life of Wedded Bliss together. We came upon a lovely little pad,located in a "lovely" little section of town on the top floor of the home of a man -with apparently very deep  shoe-(and other assorted)-..... issues.

This man was,at best, an odd one. Excessively tall( why "excessively"? because vengeance runs deep and I still intend to take his sorry ass down to just "Tall" -someday), 

very typically Swedish looking - the blond hair , the blue eyes crap-

middle aged - and, not surprisingly- we came to learn-DIVORCED (not that that is a major strike against you at this age- especially in this country)- but we came to know WHY-

and-

with a SOLID ROW of the biggest ugliest BRACES across his teeth- the kinds we wore in the US in the 70's before "modern braces" were invented. I bet he wore a headgear at night ,too.

To try to describe the type of Swedish Man that in his 40's is going to be wearing BRACES on his teeth-in the hopes of becoming the Swedish likes of George Clooney -in his head- is to describe a very bizarre, twisted  and affected individual of gynormous proportions...

this was our first landlord here -and on every level,  he was-indeed-a Very Bad Man( hereinafter referred to as the VBM exclusively).

....and the VBM did- as you might suspect- very EVIL things. 

....sending Passive Agressive e-mails at bizarre hours of the night, was one of the things that he not only excelled at but obviously -(because even Wacko's deseve a bit of fun in life)-relished in the most. Direct Confrontation and False Accusation were other activites that VBM enjoyed-(but hey- everyone has to have a life ,right)? 

VBM was unscrupulous. VBM complained about-everythiing.

During our very short 4 month time there the VBM tortured,haunted and harrassed us , made us hate our own home and did everything he could to derail an otherwise blissful first year of Wedded Life for hubbie and I-as he sat downstairs alone -waiting ( as we all were) -for his "girlfriend" to decide to come visit him, so he could get laid and improve his garrolous, conniving, vindictive, evil, Silas Marner existence in his very big very Most Horribly Decorated House.)

He complained that I was not quiet enough at 10:20 on a Friday evening lugging a 25 kg bag of samples up a steep stairwell. He complained about mysterious tobacco products thrown evily and purposefully onto his balcony. He complained of odd noises at odd times. And VBM requested you shower only after 8 and before 10 in the evening      ( not to us, but to the prior tennats that went running from him-leaving us to deal with him.)

 

Now to see the Hubbie and I is to easily assume at least a few things - we are not the types to be Very Bad Tenants- or even the types to be doing what we know we were doing between the hours of 7:05 and 7:25 on the night of December 23rd,2008 at Ja#*gatan 3 in Goteborg, Sweden,very often....

this all goes as background info for a very Sad Christmas Tale that has manifested itself into a bizarre combination of Fear, Loathing and Shoes in my brain.

Now see upon arrival to our first Luv Lagenheter together- we had to sign with this VBM , a Behavior Contract .

The day of the signing, music levels were discussed along with the usual things-"behaving as if we were mice " in the stairwell after 10 p.m. and before 8 a.m.-  was the terminology ascribed to the method of traversing in the common stairwell in this house during "quiet time."

During the signing,tests on music levels were run.Music was played at different volumes so that we could "come to understand" acceptable levels in the house. 

I eagerly promised him that I would try to restrict the times that I rocked my happy ass off to "Back in Black" at Incredibly High Volumes would be done only when we could clearly see he was not at home.

(but, I 'm thinkin' that that didi not get me any "brownie points"....)

then  there came the subject of ....the shoes.....

"NO shoes".

"What?"

"No shoes."

" No shoes?!"

"No shoes. NOT at all."

I reminded him that he wasn't just dealing with anyone here- that he was dealing with a ( big fancy) fashion designer from New York City, nonetheless,-(okay so you need to dramatize things a bit from time to time for effect in this life).....and I told him how it would RUN my outfits.

- this apparently did little to shake VBM 's resolve. 

"No shoes."

hmmmm...( with sense of desparation ...)-I tried another tactic.

"Mister,it's the Dead of Winter- (which it was)-- and I have clinically  documented circulation problems  and my feet will freeze." ( I envisioned toe amputation by febraury, and inflected some of that into my voice.)

This surprisingly provoked at least some thought- and he produced after a fairly long hunt - a pair of felted wool slippers of his - the kinds with the rubber-y black soles- that WOULD be ACCEPTABLE -if, and mind you IF necessary.....

My nude color suede bottomed ballet exercise slippers were retrieved and countered with. 

(deseprately  thinking that somehow I could make these work with my outfits....)

They failed. 

It was the rubber soled felted woolies -or nothing. 

We demured to His Rules of Conduct Contract-having lost the War -but won a small battle.and at great expense -which I would have glady spent on something meaningful-we purchased me some rightfully cute-ly ,hidious numbers for the soles of my circulation challenged feet-

-a pair of GREEN, LEAF DECORATED, FELTED WOOL SLIPPERS with the required RUBBER BOTTOMS on them.

I labeled them my "Fucking Fairy Faggot Slippers".( hereinafter termed the FFFS)

On the night before Xmas - (that's the 23rd around here and not the 24th- which is actually da Big Day Christmas in this country) - the VBM gave us his version of a Christmas Cozy Welcoming Gift to our home.

We had been out shopping all day- to get gifts for the loved ones in our family and I was gaily-in all good Christmas Jovialty  and Seasonal Merriment - sitting there in my FFFS -having managed to coordinate them with some semi-seasonal outfit for the evening-gaily wrapping away under the tree.....

.....when low and behold, Roy, glancing through his e-mails, espied a message that had just been sent to him from the VBM -written- natch!-in Swedish.( VBM despised speaking in Engelska- if only to piss me off and cut me out as we had already discovered- a few "altercations" into our 3 weeks with him at the time.)

Roughly translated it went like this:

"I would ask politely that you tell your wife to quit wearing shoes in the house . I have detected her wearing shoes in the house this evening between klockan 19:05-19:25 ( that's 7:05 and 7:25 in the evening to the rest of us),-This has happened before ,need I remind you ( wha da f@(*#!?!?! ) -and if I have to ask you again  to tell your wife to quit wearing shoes in the house , I will have to consider - eviction.Mvh- the VBM"

Now, I need not explain this very far. But my Holiday Mood certainly plummeted - immediately-straight to the depths of hell. 

after several other bizarre confrontations - oh about 1 a week on average ,about this, that and the other- 

THIS was TOO much- basically right there smack dab on the (swedish) Christmas Eve.

We realized then we were living on top of a Psycho and a- Very Bad Man.

You see, we knew very well what we had been doing between 7:05 and 7:25 that evening. I can assure you that it was not an activity that required any walking- at all. Remember - this  was our LUV Lagenheter - and we were newlyweds....filled with Christmas spirit..... Never you mind. You figure it out.

Screeching of the likes of a Banshee Raised Around Quite a Number of Loud Mexicans and Texans-( which was indeed the case)-commenced. Swearing of which I have always had quite the flair for, if I do say so myself, reached Epic Proportions and volumes that I made quite sure that VBM heard in the depths of his SOLES in his  Very Quiet Lonely Pathetically Grotesquely Decorated Pad down below.

(we checked. No, Girlfriends' Car was not out front and it was obvious that this contrived e-mail was the only HOHOHO he was getting that night.)

Depression descended on the little happy newleywed couple and I put my Screaming and Yelling and General Piss-off-idness in my merry little Christmas Bag along with the Christmas presents the next morning and schlepped it all the way to the "Family Compound" in "Lislik" ( to disguise the name of the actual location of my "swedish family" to protect them.....)

And I pulled these  New Toys out a plenty- like  shiny happy Xmas presents for each single member of the family -one by one- and in group, to also revel in.

My Holiday was ruined...... and the only thing that shook me from the Gloom of the VBM, was the rousing conversation about how long the family was going to pay for the upkeep on my dear Mother-in-Law's  grave when she passed to the great Northern Lights in the Sky (  but MAN is that!- a whole other post.)

We returned back after the Holiday to the house of the VBM, and I proceeded to stomp around in my FFFS non-stop - as loudly as I could for several more months-( there was no rule about heaviness of step-you see) and  had the joy of many more altercations with the VB,Very Evil Man  - until -thankfully-

we received the Blessed Eviction from the VBM- in duplicate-one for each of us- ( even a VBM can be generous at times) registered mail- to be retrieved in the Dark Dead of Winter via a 15 minute walk to the store by the Husband of the Very Bad Hip.

It damaged me-and my attitude about shoes- I quite fear- for life.

BUT- it got us to here- where -believe it or not-I am quite happy. At our new Lagenheter -we have a blissfully normal landlord. He and his lovely wife have as of right now 2 and 3/4 children. One of them wakes up with a screech that shakes the house promptly at 8:15 every morning and then runs and stomps happily all over the place. I smile at the kid every time I see him, because if for no other reason-He's the one that  lets me wear my shoes here without guilt.

Still there are days and times that my husband -(he too,recall, being a swede- is a lover of the peaceful happy quiet HEMLIV that only barefeet can produce)- still comes running to me with this wide eyed exppression and horror and chastises me for being too loud in the stairwell with my shoes on.....I know he fears we'll get evicted from here,too......

And our new Awfully Nice Guy landlord comes to us and apologizes to us incase they are too loud. 

Of course, I reply," Not at all!( "Scream away, Little Man, scream away!)"

but now you see- that this shoe thing runs deep- and because of a Very Bad, Very Swedish, Very Evil Man with Ugly Braces on an even Uglier Mug, I am damaged-for life.

I suppose I should see a shrink- but- THAT's a WHOLE other posting, too.....

Lesson for the SOLE: Vengeance is Deep, sayeth the Lord. And someday,on some level- i'm -still-going to get mine in nice passive-aggressive way that only the VBM can appreciate.

Swedish Words for the Day: 

mycket dålig hemskt ful man med  tandställning- that's: the VERY BAD UGLY HORRIBLE MAN WITH BRACES-

mig och min sårade anda för skor- that's-ME and MY WOUNDED SPIRIT FOR SHOES- .

and , to the vengeance that i spoke of earlier- 

someday, at the very least,in the dead of depest darkest snow-y winter, ( maybe for Xmas?)- I'm sending the Fucking Fairy Faggot Slippers back to VBM- registered mail- so he has to go down to the store to get them- and ponder indeed on his Very Bad, Very Evil ways.....

- and that's the least of what i want to do. and  I think with a bit of therapy- i might just get there-someday.....